CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 19, 2005 8:26:13 GMT
On some tumbstone: "Here lies my wife and am at home resting in peace"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 20, 2005 10:59:14 GMT
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
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Post by wolverine on Aug 21, 2005 9:24:38 GMT
Antique shop Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"
Q: What animal should you never play cards with? A: A cheetah! (no offense to [EFS]Cheetah )
Satanic Starbucks A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on. The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on. The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right. The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
Bad Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.
Sumo Kamikaze Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 21, 2005 10:32:58 GMT
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 22, 2005 8:54:31 GMT
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 22, 2005 21:58:03 GMT
OK this one is a bit rude ;D
American, English and Croatian mouse are sitting in a bar after a funeral of Russian mouse that was killed by a mosuetrap.After some time American mosue starts bragging :" BAck home when i see a mousetrap I take the cheese, catch the bar with my teeth and do a few benchpress for workout !" English mouse replies :" When i stumble upon mousepoison I take it back home and put some in my tea every time I drink tea just to give it a kick ", after hearing this Croatian mouse finishes his drink and says :" I don't have time for this, i gotta go home and screw a cat !!!! "
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 23, 2005 19:51:29 GMT
One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?' The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?' So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'
About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body. The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?' 'Yeah' says the second bat... 'Well I didn't', said the first bat.
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Post by tyrael on Aug 23, 2005 21:39:48 GMT
Advertisement in evening newspaper:
"Musty old vase by old lady slightly cracked."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 24, 2005 11:57:12 GMT
A very large passenger plane was flying over the ocean to Europe, 400 people aboard. The intercom comes on. 'Welcome aboard. This plane is built with the very latest in technology. We are flying on automatic pilot. Do not be alarmed. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong...
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 25, 2005 8:33:53 GMT
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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Post by sundancer on Aug 25, 2005 9:25:02 GMT
disclaimer on shop-bought high-visibility jacket (the kind railway workers wear, and so on):
One Size Fits Most
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 25, 2005 18:34:15 GMT
Hey Neil, u should come out and see this !
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Post by kryll on Aug 25, 2005 21:21:45 GMT
This one is kind of dirty: Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 25, 2005 23:09:35 GMT
Q: What does an atom say when he accidently runs into blonds brain ? A: Oh , sorry didn't see u there !
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 26, 2005 22:12:32 GMT
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'. Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'. The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply. 'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'. 'was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name! So the priest told him to say 2 Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, 'well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 27, 2005 22:24:41 GMT
Another one thats a bit rude ;D
A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 29, 2005 1:07:13 GMT
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 29, 2005 23:43:16 GMT
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "be quiet, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 30, 2005 22:10:21 GMT
Geeky joke ; Do you know what you get when you cross a pit-bull terrier with a computer?
I don't know either, but when it Megabytes it Megahertz
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Aug 31, 2005 11:47:48 GMT
An asylum introduced emegency hot-line,the following recording was herd when callied : "..... if u have opssesive compulsive disorder press #1 many times ; if u lack confidence ask someone to pree #2 for u ; if u have multiple personality press #3, #4 or #5 ; if u are a shizofreniac a tiny voice in your head will tell you what number you should press ; if u suffer from paranoia you dont have to pree any numbers, we allready know who are you and what is your problem just stay on line so we can track you down. "
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