CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 1, 2005 7:40:37 GMT
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" ;D ;D ;D
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Post by tyrael on Sept 1, 2005 10:57:49 GMT
Metaphors Found in Year 12 English essays
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall
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Post by tyrael on Sept 1, 2005 11:10:47 GMT
How Do These People Survive ? ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and thelady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,so she was using the ATM "thing" FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the Branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 2, 2005 7:22:21 GMT
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you $hit on its head.
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Post by skywalker on Sept 2, 2005 9:33:22 GMT
Mujo and manager Mujo has writen on the wall of firm where he was working : "Manager is crazy!" -----(no ofense crazyrio ) He was instantly arrested by police and taken to the judge. Judge tell him that he has got 1year, 1 month and 1 day of prison. Because : -1 day because lefting his work place -1 month because he has painted over the wall ... -1 year because revealing a secret
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Post by skywalker on Sept 2, 2005 9:40:11 GMT
Letter from Frankfurt
Mujo is sendig letter to his wife Fata : "Dear Fato, i have barried in garden M4-rifle..." Postman reads that , and take the leter to police.Policemans have search garden from 1 and to the other, and find nothing. After a weak here comes next letter : " Fato if police has already dig garden in searh of rifle, u can plant vegetables now.
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 2, 2005 21:03:50 GMT
Becoming rude ;D ;D ;D Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you" The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a thingy he can wrap around himself twice and thenstick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 3, 2005 23:18:27 GMT
Q: Why did the armoured concrete wall collapse ? A: Blonde leaned on it ;D The moral : Smarter gives in ;D ;D
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 4, 2005 22:36:22 GMT
Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'
When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 5, 2005 9:36:29 GMT
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 7, 2005 7:01:42 GMT
A man and a woman were just divorced, on their way out of the courthouse they are both killed by a runaway bus. In heaven, they have 2nd thoughts about their divorce so they go to St. Peter and ask to be remarried. St. Peter said 'come back in 15 years!'
15 years later they're back and a minister remarries them. Soon after they start fighting again, and want to split up. So they go back to St. Peter and ask to be divorced. St. Peter throws up his hands and says 'It took me 15 years to find a preacher up here and now you want me to find a lawyer??!!
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Post by daspartan on Sept 7, 2005 20:04:43 GMT
A preacher, a priest and a rabbi go fishing one day. they are several feet into deep water when they realize they left behind thier food, so the preacher gets up, and walks across the water in front of the awestruck rabbi, and calmly returns to the boat with with the food. Then, the priest notices he forgot the water. so he as well, gets up, walks across the water, and returns completly dry with the water. the bewildered rabbi decides to try this amazing feat of faith, and says he is going back to get some more bait. as soon as he steps out, he sinks like a stone. the preacher looks at the priest and says "maybe we should have told him where the rocks were!"
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Tregelen
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Post by Tregelen on Sept 7, 2005 20:25:40 GMT
This one is a bit long...
Okay so there are 3 men waiting in line to get into heaven. The First guy steps up and Peter says " I`m sorry but heaven is very full and can only take one more person. To get in you must have a very good story to get in." So then the guy says " okay, so for the past few months i`ve been thinking that my wife has been cheating on me. So today i closed up shop early today and ran right home to my apartment. I open up the front door and there she is sitting on the couch watching TV. She looks at me all funny but i keep looking. I look everywhere. Under the bed, The cloest, the bathroom, and i can`t find this guy. So i`m walking to the Kichen when in the corner off my eye i see someone hanging from the balcony. I live on The 20th floor of the building see. So i go out there and the guy is hanging there. Before he can say anything i go back in, grab a hammer and wack his hands as hard as i can. Now this guy anit giving up okay, so i wack harder and he finnaly lets go. He falls all 20 storys and lands in a bush. Then the guy GETS BACK UP! i`m like so annoyed right now, so i run inside grab the fridge and throw it at him. He gets crushed and i die of a heart attack after. And Now i`m Here"Peter says" o, okay, um...NEXT!" Peter tell the next guy the same thing as he did to the first guy and the second guy says " I live on a 21 story apartment building and live on the top floor. Everyday i do yoga on my Balcony see. Today tho for some reason i tripped and fell But managed to grab on the floor below me. I hung there for hours when a man cam out. Before i could say help he ran back inside. I was like, how rude. So i kept waiting, then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands. I held on but it was no use so i let go. I fell all the way down, BUT i could get back up!!!! So I get up But all of a sudden a fridge lands on me and now i`m here. ` Peter then says "WOW. okay then" Then the next guy comes up and Says" i was hiding in this fridge see"
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Post by Soric on Sept 8, 2005 21:29:29 GMT
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks and avoids a bang on the head.
How women and computers are similar: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 6. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 7. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 8. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
What did the bathtub say to the tolet? "I might not get as much behind as you, but i don't take sh*t from nobody."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 10, 2005 9:30:27 GMT
Just a lil bit rudeish While I was driving down the A19 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work". To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher", I responded. The copper was surprised and confused "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well" I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I get my other hand in, and then I slowly start to stretch the hole, until it's about six feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six foot @$$hole?" To which I politely replied," You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Speeding ticket: $105.00
Court costs: $45
Look on copper's face: Priceless
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 12, 2005 6:11:57 GMT
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? " He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 13, 2005 19:02:37 GMT
Too smart for the 1st grade First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question? Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut" Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 14, 2005 18:33:12 GMT
A new Restaurant opens in a city. On the window a sign says 'We have all food and we mean it. If you can name something we don't have,you win 1 million dollars!'
A man walks by,reads the sign and says ' I'll try this' so he goes in and says, 'can I have caterpillar legs on rye bread?' They say coming right up.
The next day he goes in determined and says 'Can I have worms in my spaghetti?' They say 'coming right up!' So he tries and tries about 9 more times. Still no one has won the money.
The 10th time he walks in and says,' Can I have elephant ears on white bread?' they say.....'of course! theres no stopping you is there....coming right up!'
About 10 minutes later the waiter comes with the money. The man said 'I thought you had it!?!' The waiter said 'we had the elephant ears, but we ran out of white bread!'
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 16, 2005 9:51:34 GMT
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 17, 2005 11:13:56 GMT
Did you know that the pyramids were built by Union workers? It was originally designed as a cube. Each shift did a little less till the last said 'throw a rock on top and lets go home'.
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