CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 19, 2005 6:31:03 GMT
The Bet An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 20, 2005 21:56:14 GMT
Q. What's the only animal with an @$$hole in the middle of its back? A. A police horse. (I hope no policeman sees this ))))))
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 21, 2005 20:57:46 GMT
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.'
The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'darn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 23, 2005 7:07:24 GMT
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 23, 2005 22:25:22 GMT
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A. They're hiring.
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Tregelen
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Guess who's sort of back :D
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Post by Tregelen on Sept 23, 2005 23:46:11 GMT
new take on old joke ;D
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertantly left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn`t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distacted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most irridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
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Post by blakebowman on Sept 23, 2005 23:48:05 GMT
WHY DID THE COW GO OVER THE HILL??.......BECAUSE HE COULDNT GO THROUGH IT
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 25, 2005 6:45:29 GMT
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!
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Post by sundancer on Sept 25, 2005 10:50:12 GMT
Genuine subtitles from Hong Kong martial arts movies (movies are in Cantonese, with English subtitles. Something obviously got lost in translation...): 1. "This is a martial arts contest, not a place for fighting!" 2. "I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way!" 3. "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." 4. "Take my advice, or i'll spank you without pants!" 5. "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected!" 6. "Quiet, or i'll blow your throat up!" 7. "Beat him out of recognisable shape!" 8. "Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits, and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a through extermination." 9. "Now i feel flatulant, and you did it!" 10. "My innards have been disturbed by him." 11. "I please your uterus, you kiss my toes. It's fair." 12. "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" 13. "I will kill you until you are dead from it!" and my all time favourite: 14. "You are too useless, and now i must beat you!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 26, 2005 22:22:16 GMT
A Vacuum Cleaner A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Post by blackhawklt on Sept 27, 2005 13:01:06 GMT
here is my joke what did the teacher say when he lost his pen? wheres my pen? whats green and has wheels? a pickle i was lieing about the wheels
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Post by m3nt4l on Sept 27, 2005 22:40:00 GMT
maybe the worst joke in the whole universe, which actually isnt a joke, but still rated as one..
Elephant walks into a shop and asks from the shopkeeper: "Do you have bubblegum?" Shopkeeper "im afraid we dont have" Elephant "no worries i have underwear"
figure it out urselves.. and last but not least, DONT ASK ME lol
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 28, 2005 11:55:25 GMT
Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Rich says, 'Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'
The executive types, 'Where is my father?'
The crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Michigan.'
The executive says to Rich, 'I knew this was bull$hit. My father's been dead for twenty years.' The inventor says, 'Ask the question in a different way.'
The executive types in, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
The computer answers, 'Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout
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Post by Soric on Sept 28, 2005 22:15:02 GMT
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
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Post by blakebowman on Sept 29, 2005 0:09:40 GMT
lol there are 3 guys and 3 of there wives eating breakfast the first guy said pass the honey, honey that second guy said pass the sugar, sugar and the stupid guy at the end said pass tha BACON PIG
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Sept 29, 2005 22:12:26 GMT
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she l! ooked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Post by Krisko on Sept 30, 2005 15:11:59 GMT
Recently, I heared one funny but rude joke... there it is: Man comes to the doctor to hear diagnoses... "I have two news for you. one is good and one is bad. The good one is that you are gonna die in 48 hours!" "What's the bad one?!" ..."I forgot to call you yesterday!" poor guy!
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Post by manxie on Sept 30, 2005 20:17:03 GMT
a man goes to the doctors with a strawberry stuck up his nose the doc says"i got some cream for that"
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Post by Soric on Oct 1, 2005 4:50:26 GMT
Ok, wait 'till the end of the joke before making conclusions:
A man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the guy reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 1, 2005 19:30:36 GMT
Office Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pi**ed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the a** that I might have to kiss tomorrow
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