CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 3, 2005 7:41:01 GMT
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . .
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 4, 2005 8:37:36 GMT
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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Post by blakebowman on Oct 4, 2005 10:57:52 GMT
Well my grandma has been very depressed lately after my granfather died and she really had no point in living any more so she decided to try to kill her self. She went to the doctor and casually asked him where in her body her heart was located and the doctor said "right beneath ur left breast" so she goes home loads a gun and shoots right under her left breast and 5 min later shes at the same doctors office with a bullet in her KNEE!
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 5, 2005 8:49:04 GMT
Aviation Truisms
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." From an old carrier sailor "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club." "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies." "Never trade luck for skill." The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "OH $HIT!" "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication." "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous." "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries." "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten." "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day." Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible." "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there." "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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Post by Caesar on Oct 5, 2005 15:11:53 GMT
Report are coming in that a cargo ship, carrying red paint, has collided with another one, which was carrying blue paint. It is feared that at least 20 sailors have been marooned. A doctor is examining a particularly curvacious young lady. As he places his stethoscope on her, he says "Big breaths". The young lady replies..."Yeth, and I'm only thixteen" ;D
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Post by daspartan on Oct 5, 2005 19:47:57 GMT
These are a little on the rudish side A fly was buzzing along, arcoss a pond. a fish in the pond saw it, and thought "when that fly lowers three inches, ill jump up and catch it." a bear, sitting nearby, is goign to catych the fish when it jumps. A hunter is going to shooot the bear when it moves. a mouse is going to steal the hunter's sandwich when he shoots the bear. Also, a clumsy cat is going to catch the mouse. Well, the fly lowers and the chain of events go off without a itch. but the cat misleaps and lands in the pond. The moral of this story? When the fly lowers six inches, the girl thingy gets wet a man is streaking and he runs past a church. three half blind nuns come out as he passes. he quickly freezes and pretends to be a statue. one of the nuns comes over to him. he holds his breath. "ooo soap" she says. she pumps the 'lever' repeatedly and then rubs her face with the 'soap' that comes from the 'soap dispenser'.the disgraced man kickes the nun in teh shin and runs away. The nun turns to her sisters. "this soap is delicious!" (i didn't think of that one i know its sick)
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 6, 2005 22:42:23 GMT
A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "be quiet, you're next."
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Post by Caesar on Oct 6, 2005 23:13:24 GMT
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said "Why thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".
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Post by Soric on Oct 7, 2005 3:36:45 GMT
Military Truisms:
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. Friendly fire ain't. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short. Incoming fire has the right of way. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
<edit> Bumper Stickers:
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits... I'm a cruel and heartless b***ch but I’m darn good at it I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reas I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth! Watch out for the idiot behind me! Moooooove, I'm trying to speed! Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car I break for........................OH $**T NO BRAKES There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control. He who laughs last thinks slowest. All men are idiots, and I married their king. Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body. Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up. Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!! Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young We're not old people we're recycled teenagers! If you're rich, I’m single! IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
Edit by Eagle I just had to add this one, saw it on the back of a HUGE truck ;D "Don't follow me, I'm lost too"
;D
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 8, 2005 0:01:00 GMT
The BEER PRAYER... Our Lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager. Barman.
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Post by spidervenom on Oct 9, 2005 4:52:13 GMT
Kinda off color :-I
Bubba and his friend were playing tennis. Bubba's elbow started to really hurt, and his friend was telling him about a new technological marval that would tell you what was wrong with you that Wal-Mart had. It was a machine that if you put you peeed into a jar, and poured the contents into the machine it would tell you what was wrong with you. For only 10 dollars. So Bubba peeed into a jar and took it to the machine at Wal-Mart. He put in his $10 then his urine. The machine beeped and boobed till it was done. The print out said that he had tennis elbow, and to soak it in warm water with mineral salts till it got better. Bubba was amazed that the machine could do that. Bubba got to thinking and he wanted to try and outsmart the machine. So Bubba went home and got his wife to pee in a jar. Then he got his daughter to pee in it, then his son, and somehow got his dog to do it. Then to really tip the scales he "pleasured himself" into the jar. He then took it to the machine at Wal-Mart, put in his $10, poured in the goods, and got his print out. The print out said that his wife was pregnant with twins and they weren't his. His daughter was also pregnant by the boy you don't like. His son was a crack addict and to send him to rehad. The dog has heartworms and to take him to the vet. And if you don't stop playing with yourself your elbow will never get better.
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 9, 2005 8:32:05 GMT
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.
Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 10, 2005 22:55:48 GMT
New ship coming in pack with train, the notorious DUCK ;D ;D ;D
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 10, 2005 23:15:39 GMT
AND MAKE SURE U ALLWAYS WEAR YOUR HELMET !!!!!! Funny, she's not a blonde ;d ;D ;D ;D ;d
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Post by blackhawklt on Oct 11, 2005 1:01:51 GMT
shes pudgy
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 12, 2005 6:16:59 GMT
I was sitting next to a blonde and she was reading the newspaper. I glanced over and one of the headlines read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". She was shaking her head at the news. She turned to me and asked "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Post by blakebowman on Oct 12, 2005 19:27:20 GMT
Ok this one is kinda dirty whats the difference between a wife and a job??? .......a job still sucks after ten years!
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Post by voomzoom on Oct 13, 2005 0:28:28 GMT
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 14, 2005 7:33:56 GMT
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's behind and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 16, 2005 16:05:48 GMT
Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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