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Post by blakebowman on Oct 16, 2005 19:39:45 GMT
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 17, 2005 21:31:21 GMT
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.
The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 18, 2005 14:43:21 GMT
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."
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Post by blakebowman on Oct 18, 2005 18:17:23 GMT
wow that one was pretty good there
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 19, 2005 18:20:52 GMT
Going back to my rudes ;D ;D ;D A young guy bought himself a shiny new motorcycle covered with nickels and bright chrome. He asked the salesman, ‘what can I do to protect it from rust?’ the salesman replied ‘when it starts to rain, immediately put petroleum jelly on all the shiny parts’. Soon after, his girlfriend invited him for a big family gathering at her parent’s house. On the day of the event, he parked his new motorcycle outside and went in to see that there were over 80 guests at the table. The girl’s father explained to him that ‘in our house, there is a custom; the one who says the first word after the food has to wash all the dishes.’ The moment everyone finished eating, there was complete silence. For two hours no one said a word. Finally, the boy had enough; he moved some dishes aside, laid his girlfriend on the table and banged her in front of everyone. No one said a word. Another half hour passes, the boy takes the girl’s mother and does the same thing to her. Again, no one dares to speak. Suddenly it begins to rain so the boy pulls out the petroleum jelly out of his pocket. Seeing that, the girl’s father said: ‘you won, I’ll do the dishes’
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Post by spidervenom on Oct 21, 2005 8:32:34 GMT
AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YOU SICK SICK MAN. LMFAO
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 21, 2005 13:19:35 GMT
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.“The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife.” said the doctor, “don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house.” “I tried that,” said the farmer, “but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.”The doctor thought for a minute, “Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.”A few weeks later the two men met on the street.“How did it work out?” asked the doctor.“Fine, the first three days,” said the farmer, “then the hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since.”
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Post by Master of Chaos on Oct 21, 2005 16:04:22 GMT
A man who owned a prosperous ranch went on vacation one day and left his ranch hand in charge. When the owner came back and asked what happened the ranch hand said, "I have some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asked the owner.
"Well your parrot died."
"How did he die?" (owner)
"He ate some rotten meat."
"Where did he get the meat?" (owner)
"From your dead horse"
"How did the horse die?" (owner)
"From pulling the water waggon"
"Why was my prize thoroughbred pulling a water waggon?" (owner)
"To put out the fire on your ranch"
"How did the ranch catch fire?" (owner)
"The candles started it"
"Why were there candles in the ranch when we have electricity?" (owner)
"Because of the funeral"
Who's funeral?" (owner)
"Your wife's"
"How did my wife die?" (owner)
"She came into the house real late one night and i hit her with your nine iron (golf club)"
"If you broke my nine iron your fired!" (owner)
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 23, 2005 21:34:04 GMT
A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people. Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."
So they laid off the night watchman.
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Post by blackhawklt on Oct 23, 2005 22:02:57 GMT
what's petroleum jelly?
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 24, 2005 11:42:55 GMT
An Australian, over here for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees. Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room. "Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!" "Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 25, 2005 13:09:19 GMT
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
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Post by blackhawklt on Oct 27, 2005 13:33:59 GMT
say the word cow before each word
cows about talking idiot this got i long how at look
now say cow after each word
cows about talking idiot this got i long how at look
now say cow before and after each word
cows about talking idiot this got i long how at look
now read the words from the bottom up
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 27, 2005 15:57:44 GMT
One day god called Adam to him and said “Adam I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” The good news replied adam. Well the good news is I gave you a thingy and a brain. Ok said adam what is the bad news? I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time.
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 27, 2005 16:02:56 GMT
The Ten Last Things a Man Would Ever Say
1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions. 2. Honey, do you need any help? 3. While I'm up, can I get you a drink? 4. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 6. Who cares about Monday Night Football, let's watch Opera. 7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 9. Her legs are just too long. 10. I think he is one cool guy.
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Post by blackhawklt on Oct 27, 2005 17:09:23 GMT
say futher mucker 10 times fast
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 28, 2005 19:16:05 GMT
A bit norty but goooood ;D ;D ;D
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
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Post by Soric on Oct 28, 2005 22:48:52 GMT
I've got a fall break over me-yaw...[/offsubject]
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to you."
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Post by CrazyRio on Oct 29, 2005 8:09:44 GMT
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by sundancer on Oct 29, 2005 10:41:55 GMT
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the F*****g idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
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