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Post by ratty01 on Mar 20, 2007 17:41:38 GMT
lmao nice one gus that made me laugh ^^
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Post by Soric on Mar 20, 2007 19:48:18 GMT
A white american, an african american, and a mexican immigrant are gathered together under god. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, for the good of your people." The African american says, "I wish all my people were back in Africa, and led happy lives." So it was done. The Mexican says, "I wish all my fellow mexicans were back in Mexico, but happy and prosperous." IT too was done. Finally god looks to the american white man, and asks, "What do you wish for?" The american white man says, "So all the africans and mexicans are back in their own countries, and happy?" "Yes", says god. The white american replies, "Um....Ok, i'll have a coke then."
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Post by lordnasa on Mar 20, 2007 22:20:47 GMT
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Post by [Ronin]Gus_Power_LtCol on Mar 21, 2007 12:28:43 GMT
Haha, that cat is hilarious. Only the tv remote, a beer and a bag of chips is missing ;D
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Post by lordnasa on Mar 21, 2007 15:28:33 GMT
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Post by [Ronin]Gus_Power_LtCol on Mar 22, 2007 11:38:33 GMT
The 85 year old John goes to the doctor for his monthly check up. The doctor examinates him and all is fine with his physical health. But he wanted to know how he is doing mentally - Well John, all seems fine. But how are you doing mentally? And how is your relation with god? - My relation with god is great, the matter a fact, He helped my last night. I was going to the toilet and He turned on and turned off the lights for me. I didn't have to do anything. - Amazing! Later on, the doctor calls Rosa, John's wife. And he tells her john story about the toilet and god. Then Rosa said. -Dammit Dammit Dammit, that old man pissed in the fridge again!
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Post by lordnasa on Mar 22, 2007 21:01:14 GMT
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Mar 22, 2007 23:13:15 GMT
Have you heard of:
- that Americans are launching new saw with spare fingers - a guy that is so thin that his striped pajamas has only one stripe - other guy that is also so thin he can slip thru wall and wallpaper - a man so ugly that even mosquitos bite him with eyes closed - a stupid man that claimed he has more brains in his head then you in your finger - dumb man that got water skiing equpment for birthday and he is looking for a sea that has slopes
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Mar 22, 2007 23:36:55 GMT
How can you spot short sighted gynecologist ?
Wet nose .....
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Mar 31, 2007 13:39:01 GMT
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Do they ever read what they write?]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that sign right?
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Post by Destroyed on Apr 1, 2007 7:55:31 GMT
lol, that's the media for you, never think about what they write
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Post by [Ronin]Gus_Power_LtCol on Apr 2, 2007 10:54:45 GMT
The media : What will they think up next ;D
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Post by >3MAJ<>Red_Sonya< on Apr 26, 2007 12:16:17 GMT
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire? " had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,
"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo;
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well,..blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Meredith.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Meredith said, "That answer is.... Absolutely Correct!! You are now a MILLIONAIRE! "
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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Post by Xardas on Apr 26, 2007 15:10:25 GMT
lol good one! btw, check this out... X
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Post by >3MAJ<>Red_Sonya< on Apr 27, 2007 13:06:14 GMT
;D... well now i'm starting to realize some things...
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Apr 27, 2007 23:31:06 GMT
Mazochist : Hit me !! Sadist : NO
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Post by Xardas on Jun 13, 2007 10:49:22 GMT
THIS might not be a joke but its one cool pic ! X
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CrazyRio
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Post by CrazyRio on Jun 18, 2007 8:14:55 GMT
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'not a very nice person' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'not a very nice person' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an a$$hole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "A$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.
Then I called a$$hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a$$hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your behind," I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
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Post by Ariea on Jun 18, 2007 9:06:15 GMT
*rofl* great story!
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Post by Soric on Jun 19, 2007 0:23:52 GMT
Haha, very good.
The thread rises from the dead once again!
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